By Jac Sinnott *This blog post was originally written & posted in February 2015. It’s been edited more times than I care to mention and some of it does make me cringe a bit now but I'd like to share this with you all so that you understand the journey I have been on and what a huge deal it is for me to have finally arrived at a place of peace in my heart. In essence, how I became a mindful mammy. If you have lost someone, whether that be 20 years ago or 20 days ago, I hope you find something of comfort in this piece, especially those of you who are embarking on your parenting journey without your own parents in your life.* We had been sitting in JFK departures for what felt like a month but was actually only (!) 24 hours when I said to my husband of 6 weeks “I don’t think I want to have children anymore”, with tears streaming down my face. Not the best place in the world or the best time to discuss this but it was probably one of the first things I thought of when my brother called me to tell me Mam had passed away. How am I supposed to do it without my mother? Despite everything, she had been there for every major milestone of my life and she was supposed to be there for the birth of my babies too. Everyone has their own idea of what a mother “should” be or do but one thing we all know is that a mother should love and protect her children like nobody else in the world would, like a fierce lion protecting her cubs. Well there was never any doubt about how much our mother loved us and how proud she was to have us but in recent years, it felt like I was doing the protecting. I wanted to mind her, and be there for her, like she was for me when I was a child. I so wanted to be the one that would help her out of the deep depression. I fantasised about lazy Saturdays walking around town with Mam, shopping and chatting, getting excited together about me getting married and all that would bring, including a family. I never even told her how much I wanted to be a Mammy….how much I wanted her to be there when that day came. Even though I knew how ill she was, I still felt as if she would just be able to slot into that Nanny role for me, as I had seen her do with my brothers’ babies. I thought she would be there to help me; show me how to be a Mammy. But recently I realised, it is the strength and courage I got from dealing with the struggles we faced as a family which showed me how to be my daughter’s Mammy. I couldn’t know how to be her Mammy until she was here, until I knew her inside out like I do now. During my pregnancy though, I was fixated on not having my Mother as a guide. I desperately wanted to ask her about her pregnancies and labours, how she felt on her first baby, what she felt when they handed each of us to her, I had so many unanswered questions. Questions that don’t even enter your head until you’re pregnant for the first time. I had imaginary conversations with her and tried to remember every single story I’d ever been told about a baby in our family but I couldn’t recall if the story was mine or my brothers. And since I have no relationship with my father, I’d never find out. As my baby grew inside me I loved it more and more every single day, but the hole left by Mam seemed to grow along with my belly. I barely had time to grieve the loss when we were embarking on the emotional roller-coaster of becoming first time parents. It was so confusing; here I was a loved up newlywed with a baby on the way but there was still a cloud hanging over me as I tried to work through the really difficult emotions. Some days it was just too difficult and I felt I could barely breathe with sadness. I was grieving for myself but also for this baby who would only ever know Mam as a picture in a frame. Then, we found out that we would be having a daughter and I think I must have cried for a week. All I could picture was Mam’s utter delight at this and her saying “my little girl is having her own little girl”. It broke my heart to think of it as it would have been a dream come true for her, but more than that, in just a few short months I would be mother to a daughter. It was so bittersweet. I couldn’t believe how much and how intensely I loved my baby already as she grew inside me; then I would think “this is what Mam felt for us, what she used to talk about on our birthdays when we would roll our eyes or tune out”. I understood a little bit more about her in those months of pregnancy and she didn’t have to be around to reveal it to me, I was starting to grasp the depth of her love for us. I wanted so badly to tell her all of this, so I would talk to her photo, or write it down. Graveyards are not for me. I believe my Mother lives within me and my memories, she is deep in every fibre of my being. I came from her so I can “visit” her anytime simply by thinking of how her arms felt wrapped around me in comfort, how her laugh sounded when she was being mischievous and how her face beamed when she would speak of her children and grandchildren. Time moved on by and I got on with the business of growing a baby, trying hard to remain positive so as not to stress myself and the baby out. Of course like any first time parent I was freaking about becoming a mother and not messing up. The basics I wasn’t too worried about; I was sure we could figure out how to feed and bathe the baby by ourselves and the rest we would just learn as we went along. It was the encouragement and support I was missing. My mother had always been my biggest fan, so much so it was kind of embarrassing. But also, it was really fricking awesome to have someone who just believed in you and stood by your choices no matter what. We weren’t without our problems; in fact I don’t recall that a full year went by when there wasn’t some awful drama or problem we were trying to deal with, but at the centre of everything was always, always love. She always had my back and was always there….even when I didn’t want her to be! I was learning how to be a Mother from my Mother throughout my life, I just didn’t know it at the time. As I watched her treat me and everyone with compassion, never judging and being completely selfless; I was learning. As I watched her be a motherless mother herself, with 3 babies before her 25th birthday, always trying her very best for us all the time, I was learning. As I watched her bring me medicine and hugs when I was sick right up to my 20’s, I was learning. As I watched her make mistakes and mess up, I was learning.
I know that some of you reading this may not have your Mother in your life for many other reasons and I suppose I want the message to be that it doesn’t have to define you as a person, let alone as a parent - a thought that really troubled me truth be told. You are not your past, be comfortable with that, live only in this present moment and realise that each moment is a new beginning and a chance for change. We can always start again, be gentle with yourself. Losing my Mother was without a doubt the saddest time of my life and the traumatic circumstances surrounding her death I am still coming to terms with. I have a choice though; I can be sad and wistful yearning for days that have gone by, analysing the past or worrying about the future, or I can be grateful for every little journey which has brought me here to this day. This day where I have my own beautiful family to love and enjoy! I realise it's not for everyone, but adopting a mindful life has allowed me to heal and given me the confidence and contentment to just “be”. So Mothering without my Mammy is not what I wanted for myself, but it does not make parenting my daughter any less wonderful and rewarding. I want to try & squeeze every last bit of joy out of my life, starting with the present moment. After all, that’s all we ever have and when you stop to look at it, isn’t it beautiful?
2 Comments
Ann
10/21/2016 12:38:13 pm
How often my sisters and I have said these words to one another. Your mum is supposed to be there when you have your children. For me the biggest other emotion I had was an envy of my brother as he had our mum around when his children were born. Thanks for putting the words down in print that are so often afraid to be spoken.
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Jac
10/27/2016 12:51:21 pm
Thank you Ann for your comment on the blogpost. I too was so envious of my brothers for having my Mother around for their children's early years, babysitting, doting etc. It's all very unfair and we shouldn't be afraid to say that ever. Love to you and your sisters x
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